Pay the Fine

So here’s what’s going on.

My friend had wanted to do a one shot 5e game for Halloween and make it an annual thing. He was wanting to play a half-vampire monster hunter named Alucard Hellsing, pretty much wanting to be a cross of Van Hellsing from the film with Hugh Jackman, and Blade.

Since I was DMing and it was a one shot for Halloween I figured, why not? So I spent the day before the game trying to pick and choose what sort of benefits and hindrances he’d have as a half-vampire.

I decided one drawback was that he couldn’t gain the benefits of a long rest unless he slept in a coffin or in a graveyard.

Since my friend pretty much wanted to be Van Hellsing, to the point where he wouldn’t shut up about having rapid fire hand crossbows that looked like .45s. (That was after I told him he couldn’t have actual guns, which he argued about for an hour). He got two normal hand crossbows instead. I made him a member of a monster hunting society, which only tolerated him because he was effective and its previous leaders son.

After receiving a mission to investigate reports of bodies going missing, he arrived at the town in the middle of the day. He goes into an Inn to rent a room for three weeks, which for 10 gold per night is 210 gold he didn’t have. He decides to use his Charm ability that he gets once a day. The Bartender fails the wisdom save, and Alucard gets the room for cheap, and drinks on the house.

He has an Inn worker help him with his luggage, but he still has to deal with his Coffin. He does a perception check to see if he can spot the window to his room and passes. Then he asks if he can levitate it in through the window. I tell him no, because it’s outside the bounds of 5e vampires.

Then he asks if he can throw it through the window. I have him make an athletics test to see if he does, which he passes with a 17. I told him that his coffin goes flying through the window, but suffers some damage. Now, it’s still the middle of the day, there are people outside the tavern, who just watched this weird-looking guy throw a coffin through a window. The Bartender comes out with a cleaver to see who did it, but because he’s charmed he doesn’t suspect Alucard.

So Alucard goes and investigates the graveyard, and after an encounter with some skeletons he returns to his room. Later he hears a knock on his door. He opens it up to see the Bartender and two guards outside. One guard says to him, “We hear you’ve caused a disturbance here.”

Alucard asks, “What kind of disturbance?”

Guard replies with, “Like throwing coffins into windows.”

Alucard denies it, in which the guard replies by saying they have at least 20 witnesses who saw this in broad daylight. At this point Alucard decides to escape by back-flipping towards the broken window. He succeeds, but one guard manages to grab and tackle him to the floor mid-flip.

He  decides to feed on the guard. While he’s doing that, the other guard knocks him out. He wakes up in cell, tied in chains that feel like they have been doused in holy oil, which makes him powerless.  He rolls to break free, and succeeds, but it causes a lot of noise. As soon as he does, a cleric comes flying into the room and stakes him in the heart, paralyzing him.

Alucard thinks the man is here to help him with the skeletons, and to get him out of this misunderstanding. He’s dead wrong. The man was a Cleric of Bahamut, who was a member of the same order. He had been sent to collect him for trial. He asks him if he fed on an innocent, which he denies.

So Alucard gets put into a holy box that makes him powerless. He decides to sleep the whole journey.

He wakes up to the sound of rushing water and the angry shouts of about 100 monster hunters. He’s asked by the grand-master if he fed on an innocent. He denies it several times, but in his rage for being locked up, confesses to feeding on the guy by accident. So he gets dropped into a river and takes enough acid damage to kill him.

Afterwards I told him, the guards just wanted him to pay a 5 gold vandalism fee.


By: TwoBearsHighFive

He Wishes He Hadn’t Asked

I was the DM in a home-brew with two characters:

Caspian the half-elf sorcerer
Max the barbarian barbarian


The party’s first assignment was to go wipe out a kobold tribe that had been raiding a nearby town. The kobolds lived in a cave system accessible only through an ancient, abandoned temple. Once past all the traps and puzzles on their way into the caves, Caspian magically disguised both players as kobolds. Several successful rolls later, Caspian and Max were hospitably welcomed by the kobold tribe.

Instead of slaughtering them, the party made friends and regaled the kobolds with adventure stories. Max decided to have sexy times with every willing female in the tribe. Amused and horrified by this, I told him to roll a saving throw against STDs. He failed. I told him he had caught “Draconic Chlamydia”. After getting a tour of the cavern system with kobold guides, the party left. No kobolds were slain, although some were rather sore after a night with Max. The party decided against going back to the nearby town (they hadn’t gotten rid of the kobolds after all). So they traveled to the next city instead. Once there, Max immediately went to the nearest temple to get his disease cured. His manhood was growing scales and itching like crazy.

Max to Healer Cleric, “I hope you don’t mind. This is pretty icky.”
Cleric, “Meh. I’ve seen worse.”
Max, “What could you possibly have seen that was worse?”
I did some fast thinking as to what the worst possible STD could be in a fantasy universe, and had the Cleric reply,
“There’s a local necrophiliac that likes to sleep with zombies.”
The look on Max’s players face was priceless.
Max, “I should not have asked…”


Submitted by Jerril

Jedi Trials

Cast: Koru, Bothan Jedi Healer (me)

Finally, the time had come. Despite his many, many failings and blunders as a Padawan, Koru had somehow managed to survive long enough to see himself face-to-face with the trials which would lead him into Knighthood. Now, this was the first time our GM had ever had to work with a Jedi character who had actually survived long enough to become a Knight, so he decided to make it worth the while. He connived with other members of the party and his family members to come up with some devious trials for poor Koru. The Jedi trials are as follows:

The Trial of Skill

The Trial of Courage

The Trial of the Flesh

The Trial of the Spirit

The Trial of Insight

The time came for the first trial. Koru’s master led him into a small chamber with one door on the opposite side of the room, and the one behind him through which he had just entered. Koru’s master told him he could either meditate for one hour and then go through the door, or he could go through the door now. Koru decided to meditate for an uneventful hour. At the end of his meditations, he rose and entered the door. Before him, a dimly lit hall spanned for about thirty meters and then ended in a T intersection. Koru walked forward, picked a direction, and kept walking. Eventually, after going through numerous intersections like this, he encountered a dead end. At the end of this hallway, a droid activated and began firing on Koru. Koru dispatched it with ease, taking minor damage. He backtracked to one of the intersections, chose the other direction, and kept going on like this, running into some trap or enemy at each dead end he encountered.

This went on for over a day and a half of in-game time, which was approximately three hours of real-life time. Keep in mind, this was me, as the player, attempting to solve an intricate maze as if I were actually inside of it. And it wasn’t just any old maze; it was a deadly labyrinth with horrors at each dead end. I couldn’t just keep hitting dead ends hoping to eventually find the right path out. I had to try to find the path out before I got myself killed. However, even so, Koru managed to explore almost 90% of the maze before finally taking enough of a beating that he slumped over, unconscious. That would have been about 50 or more traps or encounters he stubbornly blundered into with only one rest/recovery period before finally keeling over.

Upon awakening hours later in the Jedi Temple’s medical facilities, I was told that despite not completing the maze, I passed the Trial of Courage simply because of my bullheaded stubbornness. The fact that I kept going despite being in a dark labyrinth with big nasties popping up every time I hit a dead end proved that I was courageous enough to pass the trial.

After having healed from his beatings in the Trial of Courage, Koru was led into a similar chamber as the first time. One door on the far end, one door behind him. This time, he was not provided time to meditate. He went through the door on the far end of the chamber, which opened up into an arena with a raised dais in the center. Upon that dais was a single chair, ringed by several Masters. Koru walked forward, and was instructed to sit in the chair.

“Are you ready for the Trial of the Flesh, Padawan Koru?”

“Er…. Yes?”

And then they lit him on fire.

Koru, being a Bothan, had a lot of fur. So, being lit on fire was not a pleasant experience. Even so, after being lit on fire, Koru sat still and did little more than whimper. The Masters left him on fire for a full minute before dousing him, declaring that he had passed the Trial of the Flesh. As I learned later, all that Koru had to do to pass was prove that he could endure high amounts of physical pain without surrendering to said pain. Most padawans were simply shot at with blasters repeatedly or sliced with lightsabers. But Koru, being a Bothan, was uniquely vulnerable to fire. Thus, ten successful (and successively harder) will checks later, Koru had passed the Trial of the Flesh by staying on fire without crying out in pain for a full minute.

After being healed of his burns, Koru (now with significantly shorter fur) prepared himself for the next trial. Once again, Koru was led to a chamber with a door on the far end. This door led to the same arena as it had for his previous trial. This time, there was no dais in the center, but five figures on the far end of the arena. I used the force to determine the nature of these people (as I assumed that I would be fighting them), and got a sensation of seething anger and evil. Ok, cool, dark side users. Must be the Trial of Skill. I rolled again to see if I could determine a weakness before they started charging me. I rolled just high enough to note that four of the figures were force apparitions, though I did not know which of the five was the real one.

As they began fan out to surround me, I drew my lightsabers and charged the center one. (Yeah, Koru was cool and could wield two sabers at once. Legit healer.) As I charged, I made one last check to see if I could find the real one. Natural twenty. Yes. It was the one on the far left. Koru quickly changed course and charged the real one, hoping to get to him and defeat him quickly, before his apparitions could move in to save him. Suddenly, Koru felt a blow to his side, but noticed no weapon. Great, the apparitions can use the force individually, and it actually hurts. This guy must be one big nasty. Nonetheless, Koru continued his headlong charge, finally reaching the man and engaging him in combat.

Before long, the apparitions arrived and joined in the battle. Koru was quickly worn down, nearly collapsing from the constant pummeling. He just barely managed to land a critical hit that brought the real guy down (not killing him, mind you, just rendering him unconscious). This caused the apparitions to all fade away, as their creator no longer could consciously control them. Koru succeeded with just one meager hitpoint to spare. The Masters came out and proclaimed that Koru had passed the Trial of Insight. By detecting and attacking the real figure, he had demonstrated his prowess in using the Force to determine reality. Even if he hadn’t succeeded in combat, he had passed his trial the instant he diverted course to attack the real figure.

With three out of five trials down, Koru was feeling pretty good about himself. He prepared himself quickly for the next trial. When he was ready, his master led him to a meditation chamber and told him to relax and meditate (what else do you use meditation chambers for?). Koru obliged, and began his meditations. After several hours in the chamber, several figures manifested in front of Koru. Koru looked up and saw The Gammorean and several half-Bothan, half-Gammorean kids running around. (Quick backstory, also explained in another submitted story, The Love Doctor: Koru had very nearly been raped by a large Gammorean woman not so long ago after a prank of his went very awry. This event scarred him very deeply.)

Koru flipped out and left his trance, promptly failing the Trial of the Spirit. Fortunately, he was allowed another chance at it. After a few days of recovering from the horror, he entered the meditation chamber again and prepared himself for what he knew was coming. Once again, after a few hours, several figures manifested themselves in front of him, and once again, they were The Gammorean and several ugly kids running around. Koru quickly pulled out his lightsabers and decapitated The Gammorean. Somehow, this was considered a success (likely because he faced up to his fears and defeated them, much like Luke Skywalker did when he defeated Darth Vader on Dagobah), and he passed his Trial of the Spirit.

Shaken, Koru went to prepare himself for the final trial. Only one trial remained, so it had to be the Trial of Skill. Typically, this would be a demonstration of a Jedi’s ability to remain focused and not be distracted in the middle of high-intensity combat, as well as their skills in saber combat or force techniques. Koru, however, is apparently quite the special guy. He was led once more to the arena he had been in before for his Trial of the Flesh and Trial of Insight. As he entered the arena, he was greeted by none other than the Jedi Battlemaster himself, Master Cin Drallig. (Not a widely-known name, I know, but this guy is essentially the best saber fighter in the galaxy.)

“Are you prepared for the Trial of Skill, Padawan Koru?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Excellent. You simply must survive for one minute to pass this trial. And to be fair, I won’t use any offensive force abilities. I will only attack you with my lightsaber.”

With that, he turned and walked to the far end of the arena. We both prepared ourselves, and the trial began. He won initiative, and used all of his movement as well as a master ability called Knight Speed to cross the sixty or so meters across the arena in one round. Koru, having had a few seconds to think, decided that the best way to survive for one minute against the best lightsaber fighter in the galaxy (who, remember, would not use any force abilities against him), was to simply not be in range of the lightsaber at any time. So, Koru turned tail and ran as fast as he could away from the Battlemaster.

Koru ran his full twenty meters, and it was Cin Drallig’s turn again. He covered the distance in one movement action and had an attempt to attack me. Somehow, he failed horribly and instead tripped and fell face first into the dirt. Koru, being the wise Jedi he was, took the opportunity to continue running. He couldn’t hope to defeat the guy in one-on-one combat, or even to really survive for that long, so he simply put as much distance between himself and the fallen Master as possible. He had been running long enough now that he could be considered sprinting, so he was now able to maintain distance between himself and the now-infuriated Battlemaster (who, by the way, had begun using the force to sling pebbles at Koru while shouting “You punk! Get back here!”). This somehow managed to work for a whole minute, at the end of which Koru was escorted out of the arena by several rather livid masters. He was immediately informed that he had failed the Trial of Skill, as he had not endured and survived the attacks of the Battlemaster as he was supposed to.

Somehow, Koru managed to convince them that he had indeed succeeded at his Trial of Skill, as the Battlemaster had said that all that was required to pass was to survive for a whole minute, which he most certainly had. (This in and of itself was astounding, as Koru had a whopping four Charisma. Sweet talking anyone into agreeing with him was nothing short of a Christmas Miracle.) They grudgingly conceded that I had passed the Trial of Skill within the boundaries as they had been presented to me. They also stated, as if to save face, that the primary reason they considered that trial passed was because I essentially passed it during my Trial of Courage, during which I did so much fighting that I had demonstrated saber skills thoroughly enough then to be considered successful.

And thus, Padawan Koru somehow managed to blunder his way into being a Jedi Knight. And the galaxy knew true fear.


By: Koru

Revenge of the NPC


Koru: Bothan Jedi Healer (me)

Bisskit: Trandoshan Soldier

Gand: Gand Findsman (not high enough level to have earned a name)

Kai (Nagai Scoundrel)

Our party, led by the Black Sun-affiliated captain Bisskit, was off on another contract in an attempt to get loot and garner favor with the Black Sun. Bisskit had found a local contract for raiding an arms caravan. Naturally, the party decided that that was cool. They were going to go to another criminal syndicate anyway, so our party decided that we might as well procure them for the guys that wouldn’t shoot us with them later.

Koru, being a Jedi, wasn’t all in favor of raiding the caravan, particularly following what happened the last time (documented in another submitted story, Diplomatic Immunity), as he didn’t like the idea of winding up imprisoned again. However, being a healer and quite loyal to his still-newfound friends, he decided to tag along just in case someone got hurt and needed healing.

The party found a stretch that the caravan would be going through that would be an easy raiding point, and set up for an ambush. Kai, our scoundrel, set some liquid rope across the roadway to stop (or slow down) the skiff that would be carrying the arms. Everyone else took to the shadows to watch and wait. Sure enough, before long, along came the caravan; a skiff and a handful of guards. Everyone tensed in anticipation.

The skiff glided by our hiding spots, the guards unaware of the waiting ambush. A few seconds later, the skiff encountered the liquid rope and pushed on through, slowing to about half of its original speed. Everyone except for Koru immediately sprung from the shadows and began to attack the guards on the ground. The guards were quick to react, and began firing on the party (aside from one poor sap up on the skiff, who broke his rifle on his first attack roll). As his friends were being fired upon, Koru decided to come out of the shadows and begin healing the party. Naturally, that now made Koru a target as well. As he couldn’t heal so well while being shot, Koru decided to take action, and swung one of his lightsabers at the engines of the skiff in an attempt to disable it and shake the guards on top.

He succeeded, and the skiff ground to a halt. All but one of the guards managed to maintain their footing (the guard that didn’t was the same poor sap that broke his rifle; he fell off the skiff and flat on his face). The guards on the ground had been dispatched by this point. However, Kai had also been knocked unconscious (he had quite a low constitution, being a scoundrel). Koru kept one of his lightsabers ignited for defense, and bent over to begin healing Kai.

In the meantime, the remaining guards on the skiff hopped down on to the ground for steadier footing, and began firing on the standing party members. Gand moved to flank the soldiers, while Bisskit held their attention with his military-grade rifle (courtesy of the Black Sun) firing down their noses. They felled two more guards, leaving one standing and the one still face-down in the dirt. Gand critted the one in the dirt (“I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today… First my rifle, then falling to the ground, then getting killed before I could actually do anything…”), ensuring that he wouldn’t cause trouble for us anymore.

This, apparently, outraged the remaining guard, as he turned and one-shot critted Gand. Bisskit hollered and fired on the guard, missing horribly. The guard then turned on Bisskit and fired, critting yet again and effectively removing Bisskit from the fight. This left only Koru still standing. He turned from healing Kai and moved to dispatch the final guard (again, out of self defense). He decided to try reflecting the guards’ shots instead of charging, dedicated to defending the body of his friend, Kai.

He raised his lightsaber to defend himself. The guard fired. Koru managed to block the shot, but didn’t successfully reflect it into the guard. The guard fired again. Koru attempted to block, but just narrowly missed, and ate the full fury of the blaster bolt. Once again, the guard rolled a critical. Koru, too, was knocked unconscious in one shot.

And once again, the party woke to find themselves in jail, with no one but Koru able to walk out easily (yes, Koru claimed Diplomatic Immunity again, as well as Self Defense, since he never showed direct aggression against the guards).


By: Koru

Diplomatic Immunity


Koru: Bothan Jedi Healer

Bisskit (Trandoshan Soldier)

Kai (Nagai Scoundrel)

Miscellaneous party members

We were playing in a Star Wars campaign based prior to the events of the Clone Wars, but still well within the New Republic. My Jedi, still a Padawan, had ventured off on some solo training. Koru’s master was a rather stand-offish type, and typically preferred that her apprentices learn without her direct guidance as much as possible. Thus, Koru was frequently off on his own. This particular time, he’d decided to go to Tatooine to learn something of how galactic criminal gangs worked. Naturally, he needed transportation, so he looked to secure some. Despite being a very well-spoken, stunningly handsome Bothan with a Charisma of 4 and a Strength of 18, he could find no one willing to transport him save a lone Trandoshan in a rather beat-up Corellian freighter. This Trandoshan, as it happened, had a strong desire to join up with a very notorious criminal gang, the Black Sun. Koru, fascinated by this, decided he simply must journey with this Trandoshan and learn more of how individuals function within criminal organizations as well as the overall hierarchy of large-scale organizations such as the Black Sun.

Throughout the course of adventuring with this party led by our Black Sun-affiliated captain, Bisskit, we came across a contract on a jungle world where the Black Sun was attempting to establish a local underground. Bisskit, looking to garner any favor he could with the Black Sun, quickly accepted the contract. He was told that he was to remove a certain governor of the largest of a few city-states on the planet from the planet using whatever means he deemed necessary. We’re talking about potentially killing a government official here, so Koru, being a good, law-abiding Jedi, decided to sit this one out.

As the rest of the party was making plans on how to gather information on this guy, however, Koru decided to volunteer some information on the governor to help his friends. As a Jedi, Koru knew some things about numerous politicians around the galaxy. I rolled a knowledge check: natural one. Great.

“You are thoroughly convinced that he’s a pedophile.” *sigh* Even better…

Pedophiles are amongst the most despicable beings in the galaxy, and thus Koru quickly leapt to his feet and exclaimed “WAIT! That man is a… a… child-raper! *shiver* I’m helping you guys get rid of him. There’s no way I can let a man who has committed such despicable acts maintain an office of such high standing.” One other member of the party, Kai, knew a little about the guy as well, and tried to convince Koru that the governor wasn’t a pedophile. Koru would have none of it; he was adamant that the man was worse than the scum under his boots.

The rest of the party just sighed and continued to try to formulate their plans. Koru, on the other hand, decided that he didn’t care what the rest of the party thought; this man was disgusting. Being an honorable Jedi, he decided to take this mission on himself and bring the man’s crimes to light and have him removed from office. But first, he would need indisputable proof of the man’s wicked deeds. What’s the best kind of proof? Witness testimony! Who would be the witnesses to pedophiliac acts? Why, the children they were committed against, of course! Where do you find children? The playground!

Koru could be bright in his own right, but he wasn’t always the wisest.

Koru snuck off and headed for one of the local playgrounds, where he attempted to discreetly make a Gather Information check to see if he could find anyone that would know about pedophiliac activities in the area. Roll the die: another natural one. This day is just awesome.

“You walk up to one of the nearby children, pick her up, and proceed to gruffly and loudly ask “HAVE YOU SEEN A BIG-SCARY-CREEPY MAN?!?!” Keep in mind, Koru is a fairly short (under 5’), hairy, ugly-as-can-be Bothan with huge, bulging muscles, picking up a little girl. Not a good picture.

Koru promptly found himself in jail.

The rest of the party did their business for the day, went back in the evening, were getting settled down, when finally Bisskit looked around and asked “Where’s my Jedi? I haven’t gotten to corrupt him today!” (Bisskit took a perverse pleasure in trying to corrupt Koru, as Koru was somehow very susceptible to his suggestions.) The rest of the party shrugged, and they decided to sleep and see if I would be back by morning. When I hadn’t turned up, they agreed that I was worth looking for. (When your party led by a ranking member of one of the largest criminal syndicates in the galaxy runs into trouble with the law, it helps to have a member of the Jedi Order to back you up or bail you out.) Kai remembered Koru’s very aggressive behavior when he “realized” the governor was a pedophile, and managed to deduce his train of thought. They wandered around to a few playgrounds and parks before finally arriving at the playground I’d gone to. They looked around and, with great success, gathered information on my whereabouts. Success, however, is a point of view.

When they arrived at the playground I’d gone to, they saw that the children were under very close guard by their teachers. Kai walked up to one of the teachers and asked if there had been a Bothan Jedi that had come by recently inquiring into pedophiliac activities in the region. The teacher glared at Kai and responded “IF, by “inquiring,” you mean picking up children and asking them if they’ve seen a big, scary man, then yes. Do you know him?” Kai hesitated for a moment, the implications of this teachers’ statement apparently not having fully registered yet, then responded affirmatively. The entire party was promptly arrested as well.

Koru finally woke up in his cell, just as the others were being brought in. Before the guard left, Koru called him over. The guard spat at his feet and asked him what he wanted. Koru declared diplomatic immunity and walked out without an issue (though many glares were thrown his way). This left the rest of the party to fend for themselves.

And thus, Koru single-handedly imprisoned the entire party and walked away scot-free while having been the only one to actually have committed a crime.


By: Koru

A Little to the Left…

The Cast:

Barakas, a Lawful Neutral Tiefling Paladin who is allergic to bullshit.

Zana, a Neutral Good Shifter Ranger with a hatchling wyvern on her shoulder.

Daniel, a Chaotic Neutral/Evil Dragonborn Cleric in a clown costume, who also has split personality disorder.

Saraiyu, a Chaotic Good Rogue/Paladin of Mask with an eye for shiny things. (me)

Narcelia, A Lawful Evil Drow Princess who hates approximately everything.


As you can see from the lineup, we were a motley crew. A lot of us were very new to D&D, and our DM purposely didn’t give us much guidance aside from, “Here’s the 5e Player’s Handbook, call me over if you need help.” So we all had very, very different alignments. Inevitably, this led to a split party by level five.

You see, we were investigating the slow death of the forest outside of the town, and we ended up discovering that it was the work of a cult following a local Archfey. We confronted the head of the cult, a Warlock, and right away Barakas, Zana, and Saraiyu decided this man was evil, and his cult was evil, and we should have approximately nothing to do with him. Narcelia, however, had just renounced her Goddess, Lolth, and needed protection fast. She agreed to start leveling in Warlock and joined up with his cult right there, hoping to win the Archfey’s favor. That left just one party member undecided.

Daniel’s player consulted his sheet, frowned at some numbers on a page, and then with a wide grin he held out a d6 and asked, “Evens or odds?”
He had just decided to roll to see whether he wanted to join the Warlock or not. And he ended up joining, too. That left us with two tanks and a ranger against our two spellcasters, a Warlock, and the horde of thirty zombies that the Warlock immediately summoned.

We fought like hell. It was a long, bitter conflict that lasted an entire session. My character was downed multiple times, only coming to because of the Tiefling’s healing abilities and, in one case, a very well timed Natural 20. When the metaphorical dust settled, four party members were making death saves on the floor, the zombies had been decimated, and the wyvern was a sad, slightly charred little corpse. The two Pallys and the Ranger were tied to a post, to be used as bargaining chips in the imminent battle with the nearby town. Our DM then revealed that the Warlock had been twice our level, and he had only had eight hit points left. We still won’t let him forget that one.

When our characters came to, we started thinking of a way to escape. All our weapons had been taken, we were being watched, and our ropes were strong. However- there was hope. You see, my character carried with her a trinket from her childhood: half a broken beer bottle from her first bar fight, which she called her lucky shiv. Of course, the Dragonborn, who knew about this trinket, had searched her for it, but he had failed his Investigation roll. He just couldn’t find it on her. So when Saraiyu realized she still had it, she conveyed this to Zana.

“Well,” said Zana’s player. “Where do you keep it?”
I glanced at my equipment and realized I had very few options.
“Okay, so bear with me.” I said, shifting into character. “I’m going to need you to reach down my pants.”
“I have something tied to my inner thigh that can help us escape.”
“Is this a pick up line?”
“No! Look, it’s on the right, you can reach it if I shift a little…”
We then had to roleplay through her rummaging around in there, all the while making stealth saves to avoid being discovered. There was a lot of giggling, and a lot of things like, “No no, a little to the left, that’s the coin purse… No, not that far left, buy me a drink first..” and so on. Finally, she managed to get it out and she cut us all free of the ropes that tied our arms.
We then had our characters sit in awkward silence while Saraiyu tried to wriggle out of her foot bindings, and Zana contemplated what possible reason someone could have for keeping half a beer bottle down their trousers.


By: Lina

The Love Doctor


Koru: Bothan Jedi Healer (Myself)

Bisskit: Trandoshan Soldier, Black Sun Vigo (lieutenant)

Gand: Gand Findsman (not high enough level to have earned a name)

Miscellaneous Party Members

The Gammorean (terror incarnate)


As our party sat around in a cantina one evening after a day of adventuring around, our Jedi Healer, Koru, decided that he was bored and wanted to play a prank on our Gand. Gand are an insectoid species that are gender-neutral. All of them are hermaphrodites. They also tend to loathe any sexual advance from someone not of their species. So, Koru thought it would be funny to convince one of the cantina patrons to flirt with Gand.

Koru, being a slightly-drunk Padawan, decided to pick a Twi’lek dancer and used a Force mind-trick to convince her to try to flirt with Gand. She sauntered over, looked at Gand for a moment, and slid away again. Not quite strong enough of a suggestion. Already getting a little tired of his game, Koru decided to pick a random patron in the cantina, used a force suggestion on them, and then turned back to his drink without really paying attention to who he’d chosen. This suggestion wasn’t super strong, but it was enough to get the attention of the patron he’d targeted.

As the party made small talk, Bisskit heard a large something lumbering up behind him. He turned around and was promptly swept up in a full-on bear hug by a Gammorean woman before he knew what was going on. Bisskit wasn’t a little guy, either. He was a solidly built soldier, a Black Sun Lieutenant even, with a pretty 17 strength. This Gammorean decided that Bisskit was a hot piece of Trandoshan and turned to take him up to her room. Bisskit, being the quick thinker he was, realized that she picked him because he was big and strong. He told her “Hey, look, see that fuzzy guy? You want him instead of me, trust me!” She turned to look at Koru (who was slightly stronger than Bisskit at 18 strength), thought for a moment, nodded, and shoved Bisskit under one of her arms. She then swept Koru up in her other arm, and proceeded to take both of us to her room.

The GM, being merciful, decided that it would take a full minute for her to walk up the stairs into her room, giving us 10 rounds to attempt to break free. The strongest members of the party, at 17 and 18 strength, could not break free in ten attempts. We only needed to roll above a 12 or so, too. The rest of the party finally decided that we did indeed need help after we disappeared into an upstairs room, still struggling futilely. They began to pursue The Gammorean to try to rescue us, but that naturally took them a few rounds as well. In that time, we had been wrestled into The Gammorean’s room, Bisskit had been thrown on the bed, Koru had managed to break free and dive out the window, and Bisskit had managed to fend off The Gammorean for a few rounds more before she finally overpowered him and began to move in on him.

Bisskit finally managed to roll high enough to break free for a round, and promptly used the time to dive out the same window Koru had. Trandoshans, however, are slightly larger than Bothans. He found himself stuck in the window frame, halfway free! The Gammorean quickly reasserted herself and began to pull Bisskit back in. Finally, the rest of the party busted into the room and valiantly provided just enough time for Bisskit to struggle his way out of the window and fall down three stories, landing with a busted arm and some flesh wounds (a minor inconvenience to a Trandoshan, especially when he has a pocket healer). Nonetheless, he was healthy enough and frightened enough that he and Koru were able to bolt from the scene. Naturally, both Koru and Bisskit received endless humiliation from the rest of the party after regrouping later for not being able to break free, despite their impressive strengths.

Koru, now permanently scarred by the images of The Gammorean attempting to rape him rather brutally, never again used his influence over other beings’ minds to pull a prank. (However, that didn’t stop him from other mischief and less-direct forms of pranking… some of which landed him in jails. Not the greatest Jedi to ever live.)


By: Koru

Calsetes and the Wand of Wonder

Continuing the adventures of Calsetes, ‘King’ Grom and Usajik, one of the first magical items they found was something that would change them, and the campaign, forever.

Cal had horrendous luck. Like, epic level failure when it came to his rolls. It wasn’t uncommon for him to go three rounds without landing a single attack. His rolls outside of battle were no better.

So when we found a Wand of Wonder, a wand enchanted to do… Well, any number of things, it rarely turned out well for us.

Traveling through a city, a massive sinkhole opened up in the center of town. Undead began clawing their way out, eager to destroy any living creatures. The three heroes fought alongside the city guard, though apparently NPC guards rolled as poorly as Calsetes.

Cleaving through zombies, eventually something bigger escaped the evil pit… Some sort of hellbeast. Usajik the Paladin fought zombies and skeletons on street level while Grom climbed up to a rooftop in an attempt to maybe jump at the flying hellbeast.

Calsetes, on the other hand, wanted something with a bit more punch than his dual longswords. He looted a magic shop and found some wands. None were labeled and the shopkeeper was either dead or had run away. But Cal grabbed them, and ran to fire away at his enemies.

King Grom stood on a rooftop, crown on his head, waiting for the flying hellbeast to fly by so that he might keep for it. Down below, Cal pointed his wand of choice and let it fly.

“Roll a d20,” said our Dungeon Master. And so Cal did.

The DM continued. “Grom sees the hellbeast flying toward him before disappearing into nothingness. But you can still hear it’s wings flapping before flame spews out from… Nowhere.”

He turned it invisible. Great job, Cal!

The beast was eventually killed after Grom chucked a javelin into its side so he knew where it was and could properly aim. This enabled Grom to jump on it and swing his greataxe. Cal, however, wanted one more shot from that wand.

And so, he rolled.

…….And our DM continued. With words Grom never wanted to hear.

“Grom sees a blast of flame rocketing toward him and the hellbeast he’s riding…”

Fireball. Two for two, Cal!

Once again, Grom’s racial ability saved him from dying. The Hellbeast, however, was vanquished.

The trio fortified an Inn after the battle, using it as a place to rest up and heal their wounds. Cal, however, wanted new armor, and left on his own to loot an abandoned armor shop.

After knocking over a display rack and alerting nearby undead, he was quickly surrounded. Surely that wand would come in handy! Cal points, and shoots!

….Now he’s fighting an Ogre and undead. Shoot again! Surely something beneficial has to happen this time!

Now it’s not an Ogre, it’s a Vampire Lord.

It’s at this point that myself, as a player, and the player of Usajik begin recommending new characters for Cal to play, since he’s obviously a dead man.

However, somehow, Cal manages to get out of there alive, but wounded, meeting back up with his allies.

Since Usajik was out of healing spells, and had expended his Lay on Hands, Cal points the Wand at himself.

Another Fireball.

Finally, Grom takes the Wand from Cal. But Grom can’t help but be curious… However, despite his low Intelligence, the Half-orc isn’t dumb enough to try it on himself. So he shoots Cal.

And turns him into a woman.

After many more attempts to ‘help’ Calsetes, eventually something decent happens. Cal is transformed into an Illithid.

And so, King Grom, Cal the Mindflayer Fighter and Usajik the Paladin continued their adventure…


By: John

DnD And Role Playing Stories