MERCHANT OF DEATH

I played a one-off character as a walk-on in a friend’s campaign, a great businessman with a strong compulsion to carry & use a sword. (Not a Bard, had a rotten singing voice.) The characters that existed in the campaign were all fighter types, vastly better skilled than I. (If you played Hero rules with the Champions’ universe’s rules, these guys were all built on 125 – 140 points, mostly in combat related stats and skills appropriate to a highly sword-centric world. My scrub weighed in at 75 points.)

Anyway, party is riding along, random encounter. Gamesmaster rolls.. and then asks me casually, using my name, “Xxxx, what would you do if something swept in from a side you hadn’t been looking and went right by your head?” (Mind you, not my character name, *my* name.) So I tell him, “I’d whirl and bite at it.”

This proved to be my introduction to the manticore. We both missed, the beastie with a really poor roll that was still only a narrow escape for me. This thing is clearly going to have me for a palate-cleanser before it gets to work on the rest of the party. The creature isn’t even concerned with my next attack, it’s just winding up to hit me extra-hard.. so I need to do major heroic damage. (Pause for nervous laughter.) I say, “All right, I’ll make a called shot on his eye.” After tallying the hefty -8 to-hit penalty to the roll, Gamesmaster informs me “You need a 5 or less.” Now, on a 3d6 roll (3-18 roll), a five or less is a tough row to hoe.

I roll a 4.

The table bursts into applause.

Apparently, as I was to learn afterwards, no one in this group ever used called shots – they were “too risky”. My little one-shot entry of a traveling, swordwielding salesman earned his spot in history that day.

 

By: Eloi

TO SUBDUE OR NOT TO SUBDUE

So I’m with my friends playing DnD this week and we happen to stop by the main church of Torm. (DL setting, the entire town is hallowed by his blood… he died there… I’m so bad with names) Anyway, this ex church member wants revenge, makes a deal with a devil, and gets some evil artifacts. Basically walks in there, cuts off everyone’s power to communicate with their deity, and begins summoning devils and the like. So, the paladin in the group being of the faith, convinced our party to go in and help get rid of this. We go through a bunch of battles, it’s going fairly smooth until the main devil the guy made the deal with shows up.

She immediately charms our rogue. We aren’t too worried because it was impossible for him to do that much dmg to us. Well the paladin decides that he is going to attack the rogue to get him out of the way. Instead of doing subdue damage, he decides to not take the -2 penalty and just attack him.

CRIT

CRIT

CRIT

70 points of damage done to the rogue, he drops dead at -13.

So basically a paladin kills a member of his own party, in the main church of his God…. that’s going to take a lot of atonement.

 

By: rjdwhip23

THE TREE IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

Well.. in a campaign with 7 others I just hung out with the DM last night and did my own solo arc. Level 8 at this point. Upon exploring a cave I found, I come to find 2 glowing beautiful naked women… (any one who’s played DMC knows it’s an angler fish drawing me near to eat me)

I do a spot check, *rolls d20*… (3) cant stop looking at the boobies…. they tell me to follow them, Will check, *Rolls d20*… (4) can’t resist the boobies…

A smell worsens and worsens as I go in deeper until I see a crystal, they tell me to touch it, will check *Rolls d20* (7) yes my boobies yes I will! …. later fighting the angler, I love tree tokens and always stock up on a few, had 3x with me.

Smell is getting worse and worse and now hurting my constitution, I have to get out of the water I’m in, I throw the token below me, I’m launched in to the air, but that’s not all! At the height I jump (+16 skill – 6 plate penalty= roll of 10+10=20) I then jump down for the creature to stab it from 80 ft up with a great sword, Roll to hit *Rolls d20* 19 Hit! (finally a good roll!) It worked so well I try again, dropping my sword on the way up (Oh noez!)

Jumping down I roll just high enough to land on the creature. I look for my sword…( bad idea in water near a fish)Roll reflex…!? *rolls d20* (4) (Uh oh…) I’m eaten…. no sword… in a fish… oh no…what do I…. ? I HAVE ONE TREE TOKEN LEFT! KAbLaMOO! Luckily I survived the heavy damage I sustained, but hooray it was dead.

 

By: Ragnorak

NEWBIE POWER

I was DMing an introductory game for a friend of mine, with 2 of my regular group along to make up the party. The group consisted of a Human Paladin, played by one of my regulars, a Gnome Wizard, played by the other and an Elven Cleric that was built, with a fair bit of guidance, by our newcomer.

The party entered an underground room and were confronted by a 30 foot square room with a pile of rags in one corner and a door in one wall. The newcomers response? I look up. Absolutely perfect, she sees the spider web on the ceiling and everyone gives it a wide berth.

The weedy gnome then goes over to try to open the door, which is stuck one strength check later and it hasn’t budged. The Paladin heads over to the sacks and gives them a quick kick, a split second before Shana (the newcomers Elf Cleric) calls out “Wait they could be dangerous!”. Sir Thormas is engulfed in a cloud of spores and takes the appropriate ability damage (Con).

Cursing he turns round and sees the gnome struggling with the door calling him all sorts of foul names for being weak he heads off to immediately fail to open the door himself (rolling a 1). Shana then steps up and pushes it open as though it weren’t stuck at all (rolling a 20). Thormas strides through cursing Elven arrogance as he does so and looks around the new room.

Seeing a pool and little else the two experienced players immediately conclude there must be some sort of underwater passage. Shana just nods along. Thormas then dives into the water and swims down, just after he has made his swim check to drag himself towards the bottom (a very easy check under the circumstances) Shana says “Why didn’t he take off his plate armor and pack?” to which there was a serious amount of sniggering from the Gnome player, who had for the past twenty minutes been the butt of Thormas’ rather mean-spirited sniping.

At the bottom of the pool Thormas finds no passage, but rather a cylinder (scroll case) in the hand of a skeleton, he tries to grab it, but only manages in dislodging it so it floats down a crack. He then tries to swim back to the surface. In plate mail. With a pack on. He, after a lot of drowning damage, thanks to failed endurance checks (remember he had taken Con damage) gets back to the top, looks around and takes the secondary damage. He dies, gasping, his final words are “There’s nothing down here but toilet roll!” The gnome shakes his head and kicks the corpse before walking past beckoning Shana after him. The elf turns to him and asks “So, what’s a toilet roll? Is it valuable?”

 

By: karantalsis

WINE, A MANLY DRINK

I was playing 3.5, as a Dragonborn Duskblade (mixed spellcaster/swashbuckler). We all begin in a tavern, as we are wont to do with this DM. As a caster, I prefer not to cloud his mind with stiff drinks, and am standing at the bar with a glass of wine in his hand. An unruly Fighter (another PC) is standing next to me, and seeing the wine- makes a comment about my manhood. I ignore him -seemingly- and continue to sip my wine. As the brawler looks back to the bartender, I quickly smash his head into the bartop with a deft slight-of-hand, and a strength-check. I deal 4 damage to the poor fighter.

But this fighter is not done. Angrily, the player rolls off a few dice, and suddenly I am stabbed in the side by a small stiletto dagger. It deals maximum damage and leaves me at a quarter of my health. But I’m no pushover. I leap atop the fighter and force him to take a grapple. He fails and we crash from the stools onto the floor, where I proceed to wring his neck and pound his skull off the cobbles of the barroom floor with a few more grapples.

By now, I have become truly sadistic. The fighter begins calling for quarter, and I reply “you stabbed me- why should I let you live?”. His reply of course is that he is a member of my party. As this is metagaming (unaware that we were allies at the time), the DM asks him for a better excuse. The fighter can’t produce any reason that would make my character want to stop pummeling him. As we roll another grapple, and prepare to roll damage, the DM pauses and asks me how hard I’m hitting him “lethal or non-lethal”. I smirk and reply “lethal”, proceeding to beat the fighter’s head against the cobbles until his head is nothing but an amorphous sack laying in a puddle of his own brains.

As the dust settles, the DM would like to give the fighter a chance for vicarious revenge, and two guards walk in to find me straddling the fighter’s nearly decapitated body, up to my elbows in gore. They demand immediately that I explain myself. I roll a quick bluff, stating that this man was on a mission to assassinate the king. I roll a natural 20. Of course. My character walked out the bar a free man, with a +2 on intimidate checks made against party, and a brand new Chaotic Evil alignment. The fighter had to create a new character and rejoin us later.

 

By: CaptainSarathai

DELUSIONAL ILLUSIONISTS

We were kicking off a fifth level adventure on OPnPW (a virtual table top written by a friend of mine). But as usual, when playing with people from multiple time zones.. three of the five players were going to be at least an hour late. So the DM decided to run an intro quest as a reward for the two of us who arrived on time (and early none the less). So we two each received mysterious letters (ooooooooo……….) to meet at an abandoned Temple of Sete Il’neth, the ancient pagan Goddess of death and ruination. The temple had long been plundered of all treasures, and the tales of the curses beset upon those tomb-raiders were more than enough to warrant a nice “Do Not Enter” sign to stand at its cavernous entrance.

Waiting there, I met up with the second player.. and we began to scheme. The two of us both Gnomish Illusionists none the less! Hint: The beauty of role-playing online is that private messages can be used to coordinate illusions to be cast without the party’s meta-gaming awareness.

The other Gnome and I both set our screen names to -AFK while we essentially ran the next thirty minutes of the game from behind the scenes, PMing the DM, describing the effects of our illusions. First, just as the first member of our party stepped foot within the Temple, the halls erupted with tortured scream, continually echoing in and out of existence.. then.. as the party was frozen stiff trying to figure out what to do next, from around the first bend in the entrance corridor came running a glowing figure — the outline of a humanoid form drawn by glowing white fire. Just as the second illusion was about to collide with the fighter, who was then preparing his defenses, it vanished. Dumb luck, that was.. Ghost Lights was the spell, and it just so happened that the spell’s range ended in the 5′ square directly in front of where the fighter was standing.

From between the fading echoes of the tortured screams came a demanding voice, damning the party’s existence should they not take heed its warnings and leave his sanctuary. At this, the fighter bellowed a challenge “I tire of your games, nether-being! Show yourself, and make ready your departure from this world!” (Gotta love DnD nerds and their too-well articulated quotes) Not wanting to frustrate the party further, we happily obliged and revealed the being conjured from our wicked imaginations. An Illithid Lich, so horribly decayed that his tentacles slid from between holes in the rotten flesh of his cheeks.

This all transpired over the course of several tens of minutes.. and the DM, now realizing he only had an hour left to run his session, decided to leave the rest of our prank up to chance.. He was truly enjoying making the party suffer as much as we were.. but he also had a game he wanted to run.. So he forced us to roll Will saves followed by Concentration checks, to contain the laughter that was trying so desperately to ruin our concentration. As luck would demand it, for the several spectacular rolls we’ve made thus far on bluff and concentration checks.. neither of us rolled higher than a five for either save or check. And without hesitation, we both simultaneously erupted with laughter as our illusions died, replaced by the maniacal cackling that could only belong to a pair of Gnomes.

Baffled at this, the party continued on cautiously.. until they found the two of us rolling around in the dust, clenching our guts as we were laughing so hard. And so the story ends with the party nearly being dissolved before it could slay its first Zombie.. The fighter was especially pissed and pounced me, intending to pommel me with the hilt of his sword until my face looked as the illusion I’d just conjured.. Of course, I was not going to accept this.. and pinning a Wizard to the ground can be a dangerous gamble.. After all, Illusionists don’t survive to fifth level without a few combat spells up their sleeves. One shocking grasp and a magic missile later.. and surprisingly the fighter had been reduced to less than a third his starting HP.

I can’t for the life of me remember what happened after that.. But needless to say.. I bloody love playing Illusionists!!!

 

By: BossGorestompa

DIBS

I remember another time when one of my player’s sister wanted to join in the game, so I said okay. She made a female paladin, and the only member in the group with a horse (everyone else loaded up on weapons and armor).

It just happened to be the session I had been planning for weeks when the heroes hometown got invaded by orcs, and they had to flee. The orcs attacked, everyone got together, and made for an exit, cutting down orcs as they went. She was doing alright, she killed an orc or two, but the last combat before they left the town, there were about 4 orcs, two of them were already dead, but I rolled to randomly select who one of the remaining one’s would attack, and it was her. It ran at her, and believe it or not, I rolled a crit. I rolled damage for its greataxe – got a 12. 12+ it’s strength mod of of 4, x3 = 48 damage. She was level one. Her character got cut in half. The first thing anyone said, it was the rogue: “I want her horse.”

Suffice to say, she never came back.

 

By: dr_nick22

CYCLOPS EYE

I used to have a lvl 15 Sorcerer.

There was a mages tourney that I snuck into under the guise of an actual mage. The tourney was held in a huge arena with 5 different sections. Each section was of a different element with a different monster guarding each key.

Needless to say, I was the only one left with very few spells left. The only key I needed was the one from the Earth realm. There was a cyclops guarding it o.0

So with a bit of daring, I cast Invisibility and fly. Having no worthy offensive spells left I had to think of something quick. Well, needless to say I flew into his eye…

He didn’t like it much and started to scramble and randomly headed towards the water element area. Since I wasn’t strong enough to escape his eye lid, I went for the ride. He fell into the pool of water, a very deep pool of water.

Yes, my character drowned to death underneath a Cyclops’s eyelid.

 

By: [Black] Katalyst

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA DWARVES

I was running a campaign for a party which involved them passing through the mysterious Eastern lands in order to capture a caravan of priceless artifacts. Incidentally, one of these happened to be a component in an incredibly destructive Gnome-engineered weapon, but that is irrelevant for this story.

From the moment the party entered the Eastern kingdom of Cathay (what else was I going to call it?), I had been dropping subtle hints that they were being hunted, that there was a price on their head, and that there was a ninja Dwarf intent on claiming it. They all laughed at the rumors they were able to gather via Local Knowledge checks and/or thought I was lying. After all, there were no such things as ninja Dwarves, right? Well, one of the party was an Elven Ranger standing watch and caught sight of the Dwarf as he was fleeing off into the night and was about to sound the alarm but everyone failed their Listen checks and…KABOOM!

I had the Dwarf set off an explosive device that killed everyone in the camp. The Elven Ranger was promptly garroted from behind by said Ninja Dwarf and I had a very good laugh about it afterwards.

Friend – What the heck, man?

Me – You’ve heard of a ninja turtle, haven’t you? What’s so strange about a ninja dwarf?

Friend – I thought you were just kidding!

Me – First rule of D&D: Don’t be too quick to discount what the locals tell you.

 

By: NiteRabbit

KISS THE COOK’S… WEAPON

I was playing a Dwarven Psionicist with a crazy streak. We were making hit and run attacks against an Orc camp, and I kept running through the middle of the camp slicing at Orcs along the way. I made six passes, and each time I nailed an Orc along the way, and every single attack back missed me.

Except the Orc cook with the frying pan. Nailed me six out of six times.

That Dwarf now has an unnatural fear of cooking paraphernalia.

 

By: Caluin