TRICKSY KOBOLDSES

I was having the party run through a boxed campaign called “Dragon Mountain,” though I added in a few things to spice it up. One part called for the players to protect a town at the base of a town against a rampaging horde of kobolds and drive them back until reinforcements arrived. The thing is – these kobolds were smart. And the party didn’t know it.

So the fighter of the party took over the town’s defenses, and was doing pretty good. The kobolds had drawn battle lines all around the town, but had erected blinds to keep the party guessing to where the bulk of their army was. This is how the scenario went down –

Me – “You suddenly hear a gigantic, earth-shaking BOOM, followed shortly after by the sounds of walls collapsing. It seems like they’ve finally pushed back the defenders and breached the South Wall.

Fighter – “Rally the troops! Everyone to the South Wall! Everyone keep them from getting into the city! Hold the wall!”

Me – “You and the cityfolk arrive to find dust settling around a battered wall. There is a huge, gaping hole where the wall used to be intact, rent apart by what looks like a cannon ball. ‘Since when did Kobolds have cannons?’ you ask yourself. You wait a few moments, but hear and see nothing. As the dust settles more, you see an abandoned cannon resting…”

Fighter – “Oh, (expletive deleted)! Everyone, to the North Wall! Now! Now! Now!”

Needless to say, the kobolds were in the process of swarming over the relatively undefended North Wall now and were in the city. During the fight, one of the rogues, a level 10, went toe to toe with one of the kobolds who was looting a shop.

Me – “Rogue, you see a small kobold eying you from about 20 feet away. He looks nervous, his eyes darting and looking for some of his friends, but none seem around. He waves a small jagged stick to keep you at bay, slowly backing off.”

Rogue – “Okay, I charge at him, hoping to get a good swing at him with my long sword.”

Me – “Make a Save versus Polymorph check.”

Rogue – (Rolls and fails the check) “WTF?” (Yes, he said WTF. W-T-F. WTF is with that?)

Me – “Your world is suddenly vastly different. You see things from a lower perspective, and now want to eat a lot of grass.”

The Kobold was wielding a wand of polymorph and turned him into a sheep. He didn’t find it humorous, but I did.

 

By: Caluin

NOT QUITE FLYING PALADINS

In one of my campaigns in days of yore we had a paladin (in full plate with warhorse and lance, natch), who needed to storm a stone watchtower full of bandits. Its only entrance was some 15′ above ground-level, which the bandits got around by using ladders that they drew up into the tower for security.

The paladin attempted to get into the tower by pole-vaulting at the door using his lance. He refused to take the armor off first as ‘there were bandits!’. Needless to say, with all the armor penalties his pole-vaulting turned into a lance-shattering full-face plant into the side of the tower, all to the tune of the bandits laughing themselves sick from the roof and arrow-slits.

Later, when the bandits had spread the story round the countryside, the paladin couldn’t enter an inn without somebody asking about to join his athletics school.

 

By: Andrewthotep

EASILY DISTRACTED

I had a Dwarf character in a group I was GMing (actually WFRP but same difference for this purpose) he was always doing random funny stuff. One time the group needed to break into a house to recover some documents, the elf says cause a diversion.

The dwarf takes 30 minutes wondering over to the other side of the city where he proceeds to break into a warehouse full of Brandy, he casts fire ball (he was a wizard), the whole place goes up nearly killing the dwarf and setting the adjacent ware houses on fire.

By the time he gets back to the group half the city is on fire. The rest of the group is wondering whats going on and when the dwarf kicks in the front door he says “Trust me no one is going to care about a few burglars”.

 

By: Visitor Q

THEY’RE ALWAYS NAZIS

Alright, I think the weirdest, and funniest thing to happen to me was when we were in this cave. Our DM was being a dumb-ass and had us in a realm where there were Nazi vampires (real original). We were all Lvl 5 and I was a Human barbarian/rogue.

At the beginning of our adventure, our cleric got bored and decided to make a jug of holy water JFL. Anyways, we were fighting the head leader Nazi vampire and he was on a wall. We were almost dead and out of ways to attack him, or hurt him for that matter. I remembered that our cleric made a jug of holy water, so I had him hand it to me.

I said that I was going to throw it at the vampire, which was only 15ft away. Now let’s do some math. There are 16 oz. in a cup. There are 2 cups in a pint. There are 2 pints in quart. There are 4 quarts in a gallon. Normally, that would be 248d4 holy water damage.

He had me roll to see if I could hit him. I rolled high, and got him in the back. Because our DM was being cranky though, he only had me do 36d4 against the vampire, but even so, I did 61 damage against it, which was enough to kill it. We still laugh now at how we won against it.

 

By: Koth31

GOD OF LOVE

My brother’s swashbuckler Salvador Le Perignon was a bit of a ladies’ man and his bravery was greater than his fighting ability, though he was still pretty handy with his rapier.

In a mid level adventure we were traveled to an outer plane to get a gem or whatever. We’d found our quest object and were trying to get home when we found a little grove.

Salvador started chatting to the grove tender, who was some sort of nymph-like lady, and eventually convinced her to go off with him. The rest of us waited nervously as they wandered off. About half an hour later (game time) Salvador comes tearing out of the bushes naked yelling:

“That chick was the God of Love’s daughter and he just came back and he grabbed me and I punched him and it didn’t hurt him so I ran and he’s coming and let’s GET THE HELL OFF THIS WORLD!!”

Man that was hilarious. The God of Love caught us easily and kicked Salvador’s ass down to 1 hit point. The rest of us just stood around looking like we didn’t know him.

Then the God of Love ejected us back to our plane without the bloody thing we’d come all that way to get.

 

By: Kahoolin

NOT IMMUNE ENOUGH

Ok, this was in a very high-powered campaign, and the DM had allowed us to choose whatever race we wanted, even monster characters, without adjustment penalties. We had a fire elemental sorcerer, a troll fighter, a half-something something monk. But as I didn’t feel like playing monster characters that day, I just made a sun elf cleric of mystra (hoping to become a chosen of mystra at a higher level to even that out).

Never the less, the DM told me that I was chance-less, and that I would never survive and blah blah, but as luck would have it, I survived to become level 5, where the party sought out an ancient black dragon, whose treasure we needed to buy magic items enough to destroy an insanely powerful vampire lord. We enter the lair of the beast, have a short conversation with it, charged it with all our might, and truly massive damage was exchanged between it and us. 20-30 rounds later, I was the only survivor of the party, having been too much of a coward to step in harms way.

However, I was still down to 10 hp in the round in which the last party member (the troll fighter) fell. I, however went first, and summoned a thoqqua (fire/earth elemental monster), and in the following round it went first at initiative 17. Imagine:

Me: “At least my thoqqua goes before the dragon, I’m 100% dead if it damages me again!”

Dm: “You are so naive, you are dead meat. And I thought that you guys were cool. Losers. Now, roll the attack for your little worm.”

Me: “Oki-doke.” *rolls* “natural 20, the thoqqua hits the dragon!”

Dm: “Fool! The dragons damage resistance is far too mighty for that worm to break. Too bad, for the dragon is so f*cking close to death that you wouldn’t believe it.”

Me: “Great, thoqquas deal 2d6 points of fire damage too, and as far as I remember, black dragons have no resistance to fire..” *rolls* “7 fire damage for your big bad lizard.”

Dm: “F*ck! You killed it! I don’t believe it! And you were just a stupid elf!” F*ck!”

The lesson to be learned: don’t mess with elves… ever… I got away with more than 300k gc, and my character now has a +3 longsword of speed, +5 elven chain, +5 large shield, +5 amulet of armor, +5 ring of protection, and many, many more funny items. That was a truly funny session

 

By: Sareld

NOT SO SPECIAL

Our (fairly high level) party had secured ourselves a keep in which to base our operations, but unfortunately a huge army of Githyanki had been amassing in the underworld for some unknown reason, intent on destroying us all. (Don’t ask, our DM is just plain weird).

We thought up a battle plan; we would send out our paladin on his special mount to go up to their lines, and make them chase him as he turned back and rode into our castle. We would then seal off the kill-hole section of the castle (the bit before the keep) with all the Githyanki in it, and pepper them with arrows and boiling oil until they all died, saving us from fighting.

So, we sent out our Paladin, he rode out to their lines, and he got his horse shot out from under him. He couldn’t run away fast enough in Full-Plate, so he was forced to fight them. He ended up killing them all before we even found out he was in trouble.

 

By: dr_nick22

BOOM… HEADSHOT

We had a guy that demanded to play a psionic character in our group…we never read the psionic handbook but he had so we didn’t really mind…even though we had no idea what he was doing most of the time.

At one point after being taken hostage by some orcs squatting in a castle and AFTER escaping into the catacombs we meet an Athach (three armed giant) who’s very dumb. After some discussion he becomes angry and tries to grab one of us. The Psion jumps up and declares that he will slay the foul beast and charges him.

The Athach stands up, grabs the psion with his middle hand, picks up two Large Greatclubs and *roll*…double critical hit…*POP* goes the psions head and the rest of us hightail it out of there before the Athach stops laughing.

 

By: PrOtOcoN

STOP HITTING YOURSELF

We were a very unlucky group, suffering one fatality after another on a myriad of traps and monsters. We became great friends with members of a local religion that worshiped and specialized in Death…the thing was that they could bring people back for free save that they needed the ingredients (one large uncut gemstone of some X gp worth).

Now, the way that resurrection worked in that campaign was that 1.) you needed a spell + component to activate the resurrection process and 2.) you needed some body part from the person you wanted to revivify.

The thing was, that the body part used would meld into the now alive form but remain “undead”.

We usually just took fingers, toes, or something to revivify people…but at one point the cleric died and I grabbed the nearest bit I saw before we hightailed it out of there, that bit was his left leg.

Some adventuring for components later the cleric is back alive and well, save for his now undead left leg, so he walked with a limp.

This didn’t really affect him that much until we faced off against the evil necromancers sometime later…a particularly powerful one called upon his fel powers and controlled all the undead in a area…along with the clerics left leg. The cleric proceeded to kick himself to death while we fought off hordes upon hordes of animated nasties. That was quite humorous.

 

By: PrOtOcoN