JOHN MCCLANE WOULD BE PROUD

My friends and I (And my sister) started playing 4e recently. (We don’t play much seeing everyone’s at Uni and I don’t have time to prepare the encounters.) When we were playing our first adventure my friends were reluctant to do any actual “Role playing” so being the book whore that I am I quoted directly from the DM’s guide “Quote films or books or anything.” My sister takes her turn, charging a Kobold and screams

“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!”

Needless to say it put my friends and I into fucking hysterics and embarrassed my sister (Shes not used to being found funny). Unfortunately I don’t think she killed the Kobold…that would have taken the cake!

 

By: Tiny116

DON’T EAT SHROOMS

Level 1 Party enters dead wood.

ME: My Druid’s going to look for signs of animals.

GM: Nothing. It’s a dead wood, no signs of life other than the odd mushroom. *passes me a note*. *Mushrooms turn out to be Mushrooms I’ve used before that knock people out for three days.*

ME: Right… okay, I’m leading the way. I’m telling everyone to walk exactly where I walk and don’t touch anything. *At night party makes camp. Three Party Members decide to investigate the mushrooms*

Bender: I’m taking a handful of mushrooms to eat.

Brodie: Me too!

Hilton: Might as well have some food in this place.

Me: FUCK! No!

GM: All three of you fall unconscious.

Me, Seb and Jack: *Shake our heads, then decide to laugh at them*

GM: First night, you’re fine while these guys are still unconscious. Second night, you hear howls.

Me: I hide the unconscious guys.

Seb: I hide.

Jack: I fail my hide…

*Werewolf comes along* *Bites Jack* *Sniffs a mushroom*

Me: I behead the Werewolf while it’s unconscious, then hide the body.

GM: Fine, Werewolf’s dead. Another Werewolf is approaching.

Me: I hide again and pick up some mushrooms?

GM: It finds you, and you can pick up the mushrooms since you recognize them.

Me: Balls. I bluff it and tell it that we found this Werewolf dead here and were burying the body, only my companions were stupid enough to go mushroom picking.

GM: The Werewolf doesn’t believe you, claiming you killed his mate.

Seb: You’re fucked, dude.

Me: No shit… I throw the mushrooms at it. *Rolls dice*

GM: The Werewolf is knocked unconscious.

Me: I behead it and bury it with the other Werewolf.

The GM was an evil git. Werewolves for a Level 1 party…

 

By: Darmort

A TALE OF CROW JEDI, PIRATES, AND A DRAGON MAN

Let’s see.. a couple of friends and I were playing 3 player D&D (basically 2 players, 1 DM). I was playing a Cancin Sorcerer (Basically the Chaos Variant of the Aasimar or Tiefling), and my friend was playing a Kenku (Crow-Man) Soulknife (Basically… Jedi >.>).

We started on a small ship when we were waylaid by lizard-folk pirates. We kill the pirates, but not before one of the weaker willed pirates lets slip that they were pirating to collect bodies to appease their god, a mighty kraken. So we sail off on the pirate’s ship, heading towards the closest dry land, which happened to be the Pirate’s home island.

So I’ll say now, to start off with, my character sheet was Chaotic Good, and my friend was True Neutral. I mention alignment now because we’re about to commit our first atrocity. Anyway, we get attacked by the kraken, and literally slay our guide to feed to the kraken, without even a second thought. Honestly, this seemed like the solution to the puzzle for us. One tick for Evil.

We land on the island, and find a small encampment of humans hiding out from the lizard-folk pirates. We spend several sessions exploring the various lizard-folk temples and whatnot on the island, and research the roving pirates. We bring all of the weapons of the lizardfolk back to the humans, but for some reason the humans were completely apathetic.

Eventually, we came to the point where we’re like ‘Ok, we’ve been trying to help these fucking pissants for like 4 sessions… but this is getting crazy… they’re like apathetic pansies that don’t want to fight for their own freedom… they want us to just run around and save them… so toss them’

We sneak our way into the lizard-folk pirate base. By this time, I had been embracing my Red Dragon Heritage, and had some scales (through the use of feats). So I snuck in with my crowman jedi companion, and met with the leader of the Lizard-folk, who happened to be an Ogre, named Ugu. Ugu is a recurring character in our games, and once I recognized him (I had created him about 5 games earlier), I laughed… We basically joined sides with the lizard-folk and ended that game slaughtering a bunch of stupid helpless villagers that we had been trying to help, officially setting our alignments to Chaotic Evil and Neutral Evil respectively.

 

By:Altorin

HE SHALL BE NAMED TYRUS!

The party had previously befriended a troll out in the forest (the halfling fighter just walked up and said Hi, then let the troll eat his pony) and had returned to town for some R&R. The troll, being a troll, got hungry again and started picking off cows from the local farmers’ fields. The party heard rumors of it and decided to ignore the obvious plot hook in favor of a drinking contest at the pub.

The drinking contest ended with the party rogue winning, which meant that he was the most unconscious afterwards. The rest of the guys took his slumbering form, fast talked their way into the clock tower of the local church (claiming to be “clock inspectors/repairmen”), and tied the slumbering rogue to the minute hand of the clock. Of course this activity alerted some guards so they had to either face arrest or somehow get down from the tower. No points to anyone guessing the option they took…

The Vanara (an Oriental Adventures race that’s basically a large chimp) monk (get it?) slid down an ornate gutter with his kappa shell and escaped into the gardens surrounding the church.

The half-elf fighter (who was more than a little insane) decided to use his rope to climb down the side of the building. Unfortunately he discovered that he only had about 35′ of rope and about 50′ to the ground, so he pulled a John Mcclane and just tied the rope off and swung through the large stained-glass window below him. After a series of probability defying rolls, he smashed through the window, injured a priest who was christening a baby, caught the airborne infant, declared “He shall be named Tyrus!” (the character’s name), and then ran out the door and escaped the guards.

This party later went on to stage their own deaths in a flour mill in order to escape a murder rap they got when they freed their troll friend from the arena. Yeah…

 

By: Nigh Invulnerable

ALL FEAR DR. ADORABLE

Oh how the stories have stacked up over time…

Lately, I’ve been running a superhero campaign. The team includes

Lichzorz, a 4chan dork who got the powers and appearance of a lich. Considers this real LARPing. Built a personal golem with a laptop in its back

Vanity: played by my gf. self-absorbed male model/vampire hunter who controls light and can use mild illusions. Massive charisma. Recently bound to a succubus (Lily) to him, making it his adoring little cheerleader/soul sucker

Steam: a steampunk inventor with super strength, iron bones, and devastating swordsmanship

Dusk: shadow-kinetic teleporter and mild shapeshifter

Dreamchylde: telekinetic and fires energy blasts, and fights with a scythe

Cymurai: robotic swordsman made of almost unbreakable metal, leaving him nearly immortal (and partly suicidal).

The gang meets for the first time at an experimental laboratory where a villain has hijacked an experimental giant death ray (“Yea, sorry. Bad idea.”)

They fight their way through hacked robot guards, genetically modified freaks, etc. until they reach the raygun chamber, where the villain awaits. She’d a 8-year-old with a too-big labcoat, a teddybear, and fake glasses, vowing vengeance against mommy and daddy for making her go to bed early. All face palm or groan at Dr. Adorable

At one point later when the party splits up, Vanity investigates some paranormal activity nearby. Finds a ghost and manages to put it to rest by uncovering its body hidden in the walls of its old home. He meets the rest of the group on the street, carrying the body and finding out that people around the city are turning into beastmen and attacking at random. the gang brings him up to speed.

Vanity: “Alright, I’m in. Lich, want to do something with this body for me?”

Lich: “Oh, sure.” *chants and waves his staff, the body standing upright and the ghost (looking far more human that it had earlier) appears again.

Vanity: *agape* “You… I meant BURY IT! Not defile it!”

Lich: *genuinely shocked* “You said ‘DO SOMETHING’ with the body! LOOK AT ME!! What did you expect!?”

The group joins up with a local team of rebellious teen heroes The Upstarts and pools information. they determine that there’s a link with the Brown Barrel brand of beer since it’s at the site of each of the changings, and Dusk manages to dig up that a villain called The Madness is spreading the word to villains to keep the streets clear tonight. He’s also in Prometheus Island, basically super-jail.

They split up, one group going to the bottling plant and one to check on the jail. Vanity, Dusk, Zag (a jittery speedster), and Miss Fire (Upstarts’ callous pyrokinetic leader) go the the plant, and Steam, Lich, ‘Zerk (the oversized super strong jock), and Kid Kataclysm (street punk with massive telekinetic power but no moderation on it) hit the jail.

Team 1 gets to the plant and finds it filled with the monster-men, bringing down an offensive guard before Miss Fire (whose been running the show) goes down. Dusk teleports around inside the plant in secret and finds nothing wrong with the machinery, looking unopened for some time as the monsters seem to be apishly trying to operate the bottling machines.

He has Zag do some double checking, finding out that Madness had his men drug a water bottling plant, which happened to be a partner with BB beer and went into their formula. It also happened to be the water they ship to Prometheus Island for the isolated jail’s guards. Dusk orders Zag to get Miss Fire to a hospital and decides to take out the monsters while they’re in the plant all at once (player left the game) so Vanity took it upon himself to hit the water bottling plant.

Cue Vanity glamouring himself into a monster and infiltrating their ranks. he makes great rolls and actually not only comprehends them fairly well, but manages to speak their gargling babble quite efficiently (it mostly revolves around hitting things anyway). A well-played bluff or two and she manages to convince them to rally with her and raid the prison with her (where the rest of the group is trying to suppress a riot/break).

“Vanity shows up at the front door with about two dozen beast men, who, at his command, rapidly attack guard and prisoner indiscriminately from the outside in. And I swear, Van, if you get an army of monsters on your side every damn game, I’m going to kill you off and make you ugly as sin.”

 

By: luffy316

KHALID THE MERCHANT

So we end up with an unexpected day or two of free time for this last weekend, and my friend wants to run a one-shot of Monte Cook’s Iron Heroes. That’s kind of like D&D 3.5, in a Conan setting. Your class is based around your fighting style, with one lone arcane class available to those who just can’t live without their sorcery. The entire thing’s set in a low-magic, pseudo-hyborian world.

Our buddy plays Zoltan the Magnificent, a street conjuror who is secretly a wizard. My wife is his assistant, a scantily clad dancing girl who’s secretly an executioner. (Assassin type.) We’ve also got an African amazon style weapon master, and she’s deadly with a shield and trident.

Me? I’m Khalid Ben-Hussan, the worst merchant in the city. Every few months Khalid staggers out of the desert leading his camel, with arrows sticking out of both of them, crowing about how he saved much money on caravan guards. Khalid fights with a falchion that has its own zip code. He’s technically a berserker, though his abilities are based on good humor rather than rage… He has “Intimidating Laugh”, rather than Battle Howl, that sort of thing. And he gets more cheerful as he fights, considering it all good play. Khalid is one-eyed… A bandit shot it out. Fortunately that bandit’s head fetched a good bounty, and Khalid had the gold from it made into a new eye.

Khalid sells useless souvenir stuff… Bamboo flamingos, tiny silk umbrellas, and hats with wine mugs built into them. But he has a few useful things, such as Khalid’s ever-burning torches (With a socket build into the bottom, so you can screw a new torch into it. Technically it’s the same flame…), and Khalid’s ten-foot pole. (A back scratcher with ten clawed animal feet built into it.)

So, the adventure is beginning, and Zoltan is telling the amazon’s fortune in his booth, which happens to be up against the old, ruined city wall. Lo and behold, the wall starts to shift, move, and magically open! They’re gaping at it, when Khalid pokes his head into the tent.

K: “Hey, Z! Friend of Khalid and conjuror beyond compare, the market magistrate is here. He wants the pay for this – by the gods! What did you do?”

Z: “Nothing! Though my magics be mighty, this is none of my doing.”

K: “Hmph! Khalid believes you, but the magistrate will not. And he will be upset that you broke the wall. Maybe want double-bribe from Zoltan, this week.”

Z: “Such perfidy cannot stand!”

K: “Yes! Let us find rude openers of walls in respectable wizard’s homes, and request that they cease their opening!”

And so, our intrepid group went down into the dungeon to find someone we could politely ask to reseal the dungeon. All so our good friend didn’t have to pay a 6-copper bribe, instead of a 3-copper bribe.

The grasping carnivorous fungus down the tunnel was easy to chop through, as were the skeletons waiting for us in the tomb antechamber. Then we came upon a sarcophagus that opened, revealing an iron-masked mummy, a terrible fearsome sight that glared at us with pure malevolence.

K: “Greetings effendi! The gods look down on us with favor, the stars themselves dance with joy, and Khalid declares an all-day twenty-percent off sale at this, the most auspicious moment of our meeting!”

The mummy stops. The rest of the party stops.

K: “Though humble Khalid hates to admit it, we have come as supplicants. Truly, we wail at disturbing such a revered great one! We rend our hair and gnash our teeth, woe, woe! But great urgency drives us forth to discuss our small, meager needs with esteemed ancestor.”

The mummy stares. The rest of the party stares.

K: “Yes, you see, Khalid does not know exactly why, but a door has opened up in friend Zoltan’s tent. If perhaps such a great ancestor could see fit to shut the door, Khalid and Khalid’s friends will depart, giving much thanks and perhaps a bamboo flamingo puppet on a stick as a small gift for great one’s casket…”

Mummy: “YOU TRAVEL WITH THE AZORAN.” And then it tried to kill Zoltan.

Then there was fighting. But Khalid tried!

Later on in the tomb, we started hitting traps and puzzles. After the first trap, the wizard insisted on checking every door for more traps. (Anyone can search for traps in this system.) Every door came up clear. Then we got to the central chamber, and found five non-moving skeletons sitting around a table. On the table was a pedestal with a ruby the size of Khalid’s head!

Immediately, Zoltan goes for the ruby! Immediately, amazon woman tries to stab one of the skeletons! Khalid tries to stop both of them, and fails miserably.

K: “Wait! What? Think! Stop! This is perhaps… GAH! SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN KHALID IS VOICE OF REASON!”

Of course, the pedestal animates, swallows the ruby, sprouts limbs and attempts to kill the hell out of us.

K:”OH! EVERY DOOR, EVERY DOOR HE SAY WAIT KHALID! WAIT, LET ZOLTAN LOOK FOR TRAPS! BUT NOOOOO, FURNITURE JUST FINE! COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE TRAP ON FURNITURE, JUST WALK OVER AND GRAB EASY TREASURE! Dammit Z, now Khalid have to kill a dais because of you. We live through this, you buying first bottle.”

And the dais was defeated, the ruby reclaimed, and a fiery demon released unwittingly from the gem… But on the plus side, we did find out how to seal the wall again, and dodge the 3-copper bribe. So all’s well that ended well…

 

By: Lost Demiurge

LEGOLAS, FRIEND OF UNICORNS

This comes from a while back. My regular gaming group at the time consisted of a bunch of D&D veterans, people who had been playing for several years. One of our friends decides he wants to join in. We’re all for it, he’s not an idiot and generally gets the concept of RPGs. He rolls up an elven fighter, not necessarily the most original of choices, but hey. It’s his first character. He proceeds to name him (sigh) LEGOLAS, but whatever. As one of the magic items on an adventure, the DM gives him a unicorn bow.

For those of you who don’t remember these, they were basically a +3 bow of appropriate type, except they can fire an arrow of slaying at any creature that has killed a unicorn. This guy was a veteran of video game rpgs, so he didn’t quite grasp the concept that a special feature for a magic item might NEVER come into play. Especially one that obscure. What follows is a rough transcript of the conversation that occurred before EVERY subsequent combat encounter:

Player of Leggy: “Hey, do you think any of these guys have killed a unicorn?”

Other Player: “Ummm… they’re kobolds, dude. I seriously doubt it.”

The best joke that resulted from this player’s obsession with unicorn-slaying peon monsters was that the penultimate encounter of one adventure was combat with an ancient red dragon. Less than 10 rounds in, three of our four meat shields were down for the count, and the rest of the party wasnt exactly having a whole lot of luck even mildly inconveniencing this thing, much less actually bringing it down.

I happened to be sitting next to the DM at this point; and I see, out of the corner of my eye, that there is something scrawled in red ink in the margins of the DM’s otherwise plain black and white adventure notes. It caught my eye, and I couldn’t help it. Once I read it, I started laughing uncontrollably. The other players thought I was having an episode or something, but what the DM had scrawled into his notes, obviously 10 minutes ago was the words “has killed unicorns” next to the dragon’s stats.

 

By: LordSintax

A FISHY SITUATION

Years ago, I was running a long 3.5 campaign for a bunch of friends with your basic “have some adventures so that you can level up and fight the uber-powerful jerk you’ve sworn vengeance against”. They made themselves into a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude (level 11 at this point), righting wrongs and kicking evil in the crotch. And so, of course, there was a sizable bounty out on their heads.

While they were traveling through a thick forest on the way to a city in need of aid the group’s point guard (an elven ranger) found herself nailed with three arrows that dropped her to about 25 hit points. She yells an alert and dives into the all-concealing shadows, hoping to find the would-be assassin.

Of course, being heroic idiots, the rest of the party runs up, weapons drawn, and looking for trouble. The mage casts fly on himself and makes himself a beautiful target, flying 30 feet up to get a better vantage point. No, he didn’t remember to cast invisibility first.

While the invisible archer continued to rain down sharp and pointy pain on the party’s monk and rogue, the archer’s sidekick revealed herself. A kobold sorcerer rose up out of the bushes and nailed the party’s wizard with a Baleful Polymorph. One embarrassingly failed save later, the party’s most powerful character is a flying trout.

He’s still got his normal wits about him, but can’t cast any memorized spells in his fishy form. And he’s got just a few rounds before he drowns in the cruel, unbreathable air. He flees the scene, flying as fast as he can toward the small stream he remembered passing a few minutes previous. Just as he made his second check to hold his breath, he splashes down into the water.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party is getting the junk kicked out of them by a level 9 hobgoblin ranger an a level 9 kobold sorcerer. It was an embarrassing day for everyone involved. The ranger finally managed to kill the sorcerer and hobgoblin, but getting the Wizard to someone who could un-polymorph him took a most of another adventurer.

 

By: OverdrivePrime

KNOW WHEN TO QUIT

In an earlier session of this same campaign the party ended up at the town of Kingsport (it’s a homebrew setting), the largest port town of that particular kingdom. Kell and Zack were there, as well as the party’s cleric named Rochesta de’Chesta. Rochesta had claimed a bag of tricks from an earlier adventure (I don’t remember which strength it was).

They found a contact who lead them to a warehouse where the bandit organization they were tracking sold illegal magic items, along with other items. They were RPing really well, bluffing for information, when an NPC they failed to kill earlier in the game walks into the room. Instead of hiding, the party immediately drops their ruse and attacks.

Rochesta got separated from the group and was trying to fight off a barbarian and a rogue. Reaching into his bag of tricks, he produces a badger! The barbarian rolled like crap and smacked the badger for a single point of damage, which kicked off the badger’s rage ability. This is where the battle turned.

Rochesta turned his back on the barbarian, who hadn’t landed a single hit against him, and could do nothing more than stand in a defensive position and occasionally heal himself just to keep from being killed by the rogue, who he couldn’t hit (bad rolls). The badger single-handedly killed the barbarian, who had been at full HP a couple of rounds before (~70 hp).

Rochesta managed to land a lucky blow with his hammer, which knocked the rogue prone. He rolled an intimidate check and yelled “Surrender, or I’ll feed you to the badger!”

She surrendered

 

By: CreganTur

WASHED OUT

In a game I was DMing the players had to travel through untamed forest to reach another city. Only two of the players could be there that night, but I’m a pretty lenient DM when it comes to attendance, we we played anyway… but I didn’t change any of the planned encounters

Kell was a Barbarian/Sorcerer who prestiged into SpellSword. Zach was a Drow ranger(only used his bow- to avoid the Driz’it references). They were riding down the road when a Green dragon ambushed them. They failed their ride checks and got thrown from their horses, who ran away.

They held their own against the dragon for a short time, when the guy playing Kell suddenly gets a gleam in his eyes. A couple of sessions ago they had used some dust of drying to dry up a large body of water. Kell had collected the stones that were left. 3.5 rules state that if the stone is broken, all of the water that was absorbed is released in a sudden torrent of water.

Kell turns to Zack and tell him to “shoot him somewhere really sensitive!”

Zack successfully hits with a called shot to the groin, which causes the dragon to roar in pain. As soon as it roars, Kell tosses the stone down the dragon’s throat.

After a couple of rounds the dragon’s stomach acid has damaged the stone enough that it ruptures. Water gushed from the dragon’s every orifice for a couple of rounds (dust of drying soaks up a lot of water!) causing massive internal damage, and leaving him open to a “cu de grace” from Kell’s greatsword.

The guys named this maneuver the “Dragon Enema.”

 

By: CreganTur