So awhile ago back in my sophomore year of high school I was playing in a friends home-brewed campaign. The party consisted of my friend B the swordsman (some type of home-brewed fencer IIRC), G who played a rogue, M who was a sorcerer and me, the ranger turned arcane archer.

At the moment we were in a Colosseum type adventure, and we each got to pick out cool stage names and a finishing move so we each went around the table announcing them to the DM. Since I had 3 items that gave +20 to jump checks I had my character jump up to touch the ceiling and then make a full attack action on the way down, crazy stuff like that. Anyway the my friend B was being an annoying tool (a common occurrence) to the point where the DM said FINE. Your stage name is now “The Salami Swordsman,” much to B’s dismay! He was allowed to keep his “finishing move” however. I put that in quotes because it was really more of a taunt. He would reach into his pants and scratch his danglers with his dagger. it was especially annoying because he would roll to see if he was doing it. Sigh.

The campaign continued on for a few sessions, but the taunt remained. He would do it at the most inappropriate times, even when we were talking to important officials. Especially then, now that I think about it. Even when we were all totally sick of it and we all basically SHOUTED at him to stop, he persisted. Then finally, our moment of salvation came.

We were invited to the mayor’s chambers after completing some dashing deed. Needless to say, to celebrate, B opened up his pants and rolled his d20 with his coma inducing phrase: “I scratch my ****s with my dagger!” but this time, the die stopped on a 1. The whole table froze. He quickly tried to grab the die before anyone else saw the result, but it was too late. The DM told him to roll again. Reluctantly, B rolled again. ONE.

Cheers erupted as the DM announced his self-induced castration and we all promptly awarded his character a Darwin award. The best part was that we had relatively easy access to a regeneration spell, but no one would lend him the money for it!


By: Vagnarok